Loneliness And Too Much Heart

Loneliness And Too Much Heart

   Do you know what it's like to feel lonely? I don't mean that feeling of, "I'm lonely. Let me call/text my friends." I mean true, ongoing loneliness, unrelieved by seeing others. Some would call it depression. Others would call it emo. Sometimes even "needy." Neediness can be mended. Loneliness can too. But it takes work. Not just work from the lonely person but from others, too. 

   I watched OA recently, and it reminded me of one of the worst things a lonely person can see in their lives: true friendship. Deep, unrestrained friendship, free of awkwardness and pettiness. The kind of friendship where 5 strangers, a few of them who despise each other, come together and learn to love each other as only true friends can. And it's painful for lonely people, because a lonely person has come to a situation where they know it will never happen for them.

   Lonely people are not lonely because people are good and kind to them. Lonely people are born out of a cruel society and a feeling of never fitting in. They may be considered psychos or drama queens. Now, I'm not saying such people are untrue. There are many psychotic people and many drama queens who deserve the title. But there are many who don't, too,

   I grew up as a lonely, unloved girl in society. I've never fit in. The people I liked always despised me, even some of the other misfits. I never belonged with any group, and yet I refused to give up loving people. I was the perfect case for a psychopath shooting up a school. But hate was never really in my coding. I just wanted to be loved and accepted. I had one friend at any given time, and I'd always lose that 1 friend at some point when they'd get some petty anger at me that they couldn't find it in themselves to forgive and forget. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I just wanted love and acceptance.

   I made it through college, and I was struggling. I tried to make friends but I didn't have kids, I didn't love boys and makeup, and I was too down-to-earth for most people. I found friendship with some local homeless youths. Little did I know, I was going to need to rely on them someday.

   Many years later, I learned how to be lonely with my family. I had to live with my parents again to try to find a way to stay off the streets. I was an embarrassment, she'd say. I was too loud, too lazy, too sarcastic, too cruel. And again, I was only wanting love and acceptance... and survival. I almost returned to the streets many times. I was more lonely then, than I'd ever been.

   Time went by, and I managed to stand on my own, supported by the job my parents handed to me. They'd made many friends through their customers, but when they left, many of those people refused my business, because I was not their friend. I was never cruel or harsh, but I simply wasn't good enough. I lost more than half my customers for no other reason than the fact that I was not my mother.

   The job eventually failed, and money ran out. I met a sweet guy, the one I'm with now. We made a life together. I was part of the pagan community. Yet that didn't fix my loneliness. When I tried to talk to those in the pagan group we'd be part of, they'd shun me and move elsewhere. When I tried to do rituals, people would talk to me about not doing my best. I had a terrible, aching loneliness, and anger for their judgments and their attitudes toward me. After all, I was only seeking love and acceptance.

   I eventually moved on to a new pagan group, who were more welcoming and comforting. But when I began to struggle to come see them and do the things they did, suddenly I was ignored by most of them and no one wanted to help. Three birthdays went by, and only one friend attended each.... not the same friend at all three. 

   My life has been a long road of feeling lonely and imperfect. People try to claim that I have all these friends and that everyone is here for me. But that doesn't cure the loneliness. There's one thing to have friends on Facebook, but for all of the connection we all have online, how much are we spending time face to face, holding hands or giving hugs, or really seeing each other. And for those who do, why is it so hard to take time away from your hundred friends with their hundred friends to sometimes visit the one friend who has almost nobody?

   See what people just can't allow themselves to accept is that some people are lonely because they are so often alone. And that they are surrounded in life by people who are never alone, even for a few moments. Lonely people don't want that many friends, but lonely people want a few. A small group of very open, very loving, very dedicated friends is all we need. We don't want sympathy friends, but we do want some people to give us a chance to show what a great friend we can be. 

   Lonely people are often less desired because they want it so much more than the others. And yet that backwards logic is unintentionally expressed by millions of people around the world. There will always be the popular people and there will always be the lonely people. Because I feel that others will never really allow themselves to feel so much that they truly understand each other, deep down. 

                                                                ~~~~~( <3 )~~~~~

So I ask you one last time... do you know what it means to be truly lonely? I do. I have my whole life.