Monday, June 22, 2020


My silence is deafening. I can't hear past the noise of my silent survival. My life is brief moments of color and conversation to break the emptiness in between. 

Work. Sleep.  Work.  Sleep. 

I don't even know what to do when I get free time. And no car. No visits. Emptiness.  Silence. Random noises i don't choose to listen to. 

I wear no mask when I'm at home,  and yet, sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating in my own solitude. 

Tuesday, April 7, 2020

My Legacy Is Love

   I have thought a lot about Corvid-19. I have considered how I would react if I became sick, and eventually died. I want to write a little bit about my thoughts relating to this scenario.

   First off, I want to say that I am not afraid of death. I'm not scared of the mysterious unknown of afterlife that will follow, be it heaven and hell, reincarnation, empty existence, or whatever the true afterlife holds. I am, however, afraid of suffering. I'm afraid of being alone as I pass away from the mortal realm. I'm afraid of leaving this plane and being forgotten, the legacy I built with my entire life blowing away in the wind as the ashes that will remain after my passing.

   My legacy that I choose to leave behind is love. Also, strength. But primarily, if I were to die tomorrow, I beg all of you to remember me and to reach out and love everyone you can. Love is one of the most powerful things you can bring to each other. It is so essential to life and survival.

   I'm not afraid of passing away. I'm afraid of not being here to bring love to so many lonely people. There are so many out there who are judged, and hated, and ignored simply because they don't fit the normal standards for attraction. The most amazing thing you can do is let go of everything you think you love about people, and just reach out to everyone.

   I have learned that I can love all kinds of people who I never thought I would be as close to as I have been. I have loved a homeless man. I have loved a badass self-acclaimed bitch. I have loved the young and the old, and many in between. I have loved neurotypical and highly unusual folk. I loved someone with a lycan spirit, someone who bonded with a demon, and a few Christians in my time. I've loved people from so many paths and walks of life.

   The lesson I want you to take from this, is love doesn't care if you are a dark or light soul. Love doesn't care what entities you bond with or worship. If you give it enough room, love can be anyone.

If I died tomorrow, my last wish is that all of you love as many people as you can. And don't ever stop. Love more people every day. Tell people about the things you love about them. Mention their nice hair, their awesome outfit, their captivating eyes. But... try not to tell someone they have a cute butt... unless you're very close. ^.^

The world needs more love. And I need all of you to give it.
Stay safe. Be careful. Give all the love.
Blessed Be.

Monday, February 24, 2020

Acceptance and Nonjudgment

   Something I still see people have an issue with is accepting others without a million judgments. People want to control how people dress, talk, act, and what they teach to others. This is unfair to the people being judged, as it takes away from their individuality and replaces it with self-doubt. And yet, these same people want the freedom of choosing their own actions, words, and education without being judged or controlled.

Hippocracy at it's finest. However, many people who do this, don't even realize the cause and effect that they create. They believe they're trying to defend others, or right the world, or tear away what they believe are untruths.

And sometimes they kick the hornet's nest.

I want to personally add a couple of thoughts on my introduction to disbelieve vs. acceptance. I have a hard time believing in possession. I don't really believe in the devil. I feel like more often than not, people associate demons with things they don't have anything to do with. I don't really feel like angels are a thing... maybe.

Now take that last paragraph and link it to the next one and think really hard on it.

I accept all people who work with demons, angels, possession, and more. I even accept people who believe they are "powerful wizards from a long line of wizards who can bring down mountains."
Yes, that's been a thing a few times. I've smiled and nodded and told these people I have no idea how to guide them. I did not turn them away. i accepted them and let them know I was not on their level. and then I let them be.

It is not my job to choose their path. It is not my job to tell them what to believe. 

So, therefore, I do not have to criticize people who believe in things I don't understand or have faith in. One of my friends deals with possessions. A few friends of mine, AT LEAST, deal with demons. And at least one is a necro. And I still love them. Because they are amazing, friendly, and wonderful people. I set aside their beliefs and I love them for who they are.

The world needs more of this.

What I am really trying to say, what I want people to openly take from this is, let people be who they are. They might still be amazing, even if you don't understand their path.

I love so many of you, and my heart doesn't ever stop growing to fill all the new people I keep meeting. So please find it within yourselves to allow others to grow without the little dark stickers of doubt and judgment you stick on them. We need to become the best versions of ourselves, which is made all the more difficult with pressure and negativity from out peers.

For those who read this post to the end, thank you and I hope you gained much insight from these words. I'm open to any and all conversations on the subject, as long as you stay away from toxic comments and negative criticism. That said, I'm open to positive criticism and opposing opinions for my own self-reflection.


Saturday, January 11, 2020

Adulthood At Last

   I finally reached adulthood. I work at a job I hate, just to scratch a few dollars together. There is no pride in a job like this. It's just too many things and too little time. Work, work, work. Clean up, wrap up, body aches, go home. We close up long after our official closing time, because I'm just not that fast. And I know they're disappointed. Every... single... day.

   My own life is equally unpleasant. Most of the time, my friends are so busy living their lives, they forget I'm still here, missing them. Missing positive social time. I'd love to go for coffee and drinks, but over the last several years, I can't even get a handful of friends to visit for my birthday. So, sometimes I ask. Usually I don't. They're just too busy to make the trip.

   Adulthood is about being tired, depressed, and over-all just hating every single day of your life. I worked really, really hard to stay upbeat and positive, and not let life get me down. I refused to grow up. I was youthful, playful, and silly. I don't even have time anymore to play online, and be silly there. All I do is work now. And I still don't have a car. All this work, and it's nowhere near enough to be able to truly live. I literally can't even obtain 2 jobs.

This is adulthood.