Daily Struggle

Daily Struggle of a White Woman

I am a bird in a cage. I now have food, and water, and a perch on which to sleep, but I am still just a small, caged life, crying for freedom but knowing that though the door is open, I am fighting not to fly away because I know if I do, I will be flying back to my struggle and my emptiness. Though it seems emptiness is all I have, even now. I am surviving but that survival doesn't bring me any peace, because I am still unhappy, wrapped in emptiness and longing and a need to be MORE!

I was not born to simply exist. So why have the gods decided that my life should be wrapped up only in its own existence, without meaning or purpose or use to anyone. I play all day, which might be perfect for some but I am RESTLESS in my own EMPTINESS!

I know that I bring us all down and we struggle, but try as hard as I might, no one, NO ONE cares that I want to make us better than I do. No one can seem to come out of their lives to see my pain and emptiness and constant solitude to see what a waste my life truly is.

I think sometimes maybe it would be better for all who know me if I was hit by a car or killed by some random madman hellbent on killing women, because that is often what madmen do. But I'm not ready to die. I haven't done anything. I have a useless life. I've done nothing but fight to live my entire life and I am ANGRY! EVERY DAY!

I see these people in their actual houses and actual cars that THEY DRIVE. I wonder why can't I have a house and a car? I see these people with their silly, happy children, and their perfect relationships which I know are never really perfect but they are so open about their perfection that my heart breaks. And I am ANGRY! And also really sad.

I don't even know my daughter's age anymore. I wish people would never ask if I have a child, because it would be nicer to forget her, now that I'm not allowed to watch her grow up, knowing she is happy but that I have been punished with isolation despite keeping my promise to stay ANONYMOUS!

I see friends at events and festivals and more, and it's so very nice to see them, but I feel like  years pass sometimes between seeing people I like and care about. No one just comes to see me because they like my company. No one comes to see me because I'm their friend. WHY AM I EVEN HERE?

People don't understand my anger and my frustration because everyone has SOMETHING! They also cannot comprehend my intense myriad of daily emotions, always feeling everything, always seeing everything, yet if I speak on my feelings, people feel like I am being out of control, because how dare I even express the anger and constant frustration of being train stopped on a rusty track and never seeing hope of continuing on in my life, for the REST OF MY LIFE. 

I am what they call "privileged" because I am white. What they forget is I'm a woman. Sexism is a thing. What they forget is I'm poor. Power can make people very judgey of the poor. Poor people can't go out as often. Poor people can't buy presents as often. Poor people can't join conversations of shopping for that... "OMG did you SEE the latest thing Janet put up on her store?" Or "I smudge every week. The place I shop is SOOO cheap." No, darling it's not. It's cheap for people with money, not for people who have to choose to eat less healthy for budgeting. For people who eat the same meal type for sometimes two weeks just to stretch out resources. For those people there's no such thing as cheap.

I know many people will see this as a rant, or seeking attention, but for me, I have no way of letting out my incessant anger and frustration. And I just want to tell everyone how unhappy I am, but no one wants to listen. It makes them sad, and we just can't have other people feeling sad. I am very blunt, and to be honest, people rarely give me a reason to care if anyone LIKES what I SAY because its not like you were LISTENING to me ANYWAY.