Love, Grief, And Addiction
I saw him. I saw him in our discord, and he spoke about things in a game we met and fell in love on. And he didn't speak to me. He didn't acknowledge that I was still active there. He pretended I didn't exist. There was my closure. That was the thing I needed to move on....
A couple of friends who saw my grief and pain were telling me to stop and refocus on myself. At first, I thought they were being callous, and I figured I'm used to it. No one likes when I FEEL things. So I took down my posts and said, "Fine, I wont talk about it anymore." I am used to internalizing things because nobody cares. This is why I have blogs.
This closure I mentioned above helped me finally break free from my grief and realize they were right. I was obsessing. Love and affection were my drug to take away the stress. I was so focused on love and affection that I stopped caring about myself. The worst part is I was being demanding that others would care about the one person I no longer cared for: me. This was very wrong, and I regret some recent behaviors. And one lost friend because I pushed for love too soon, even though I said I wouldn't. In all honesty I shouldn't. I was not in a healthy place, and my fears destroyed us.
I stopped practicing my self-care, my in-the-moment grounding, my personal actions which I would do to provide myself with a happy living environment at home. All I wanted was constant love and affection. I was mentally ill and was not acknowledging it. My stress had become a sickness and love was my cure. This is not healthy behavior. I feel relief today, after being able to let go of my grief. Life is still hard but the last few relationships, and the words of my friends, have woken me up from my love-drug coated dreams.
As it stands, I am in a casual courting with 2 friends, but I do not intend on those being deep partnerships, as I really need to not be entertaining that concept for awhile. I need to breathe and refocus on self. Flirting and playing, and even cuddles are ok. Letting such things take over my life is not. Anyone who knows me knows I love easily, and sometimes hard. It's the most amazing feeling. But I've begun to find the means to push aside the desire to immerse myself in it and just enjoy what I have right now. Heartbreak did that for me. I'm thankful for all the pain.
In conclusion, I want to say to all my friends: check in on yourself sometimes. Make sure you are doing what's healthy and positive for you. Some things may seem to bring you happiness, but at what cost? Make sure you don't fall deep down the rabbit hole without a lifeline to pull you out.
I want to give recognition to Enafae and Dee for helping me with clarity. Also to Robert and Chris for giving me understanding. Additionally to Robert and his tribe for keeping me from closing myself off in grief. And finally to Bear for giving me love, but not too much, and for checking to make sure I'm ok.
Blessed Be, friends.