Wednesday, May 12, 2021

Love, Grief, and Addiction

 Love, Grief, And Addiction

   I saw him. I saw him in our discord, and he spoke about things in a game we met and fell in love on. And he didn't speak to me. He didn't acknowledge that I was still active there. He pretended I didn't exist. There was my closure. That was the thing I needed to move on....

   A couple of friends who saw my grief and pain were telling me to stop and refocus on myself. At first, I thought they were being callous, and I figured I'm used to it. No one likes when I FEEL things. So I took down my posts and said, "Fine, I wont talk about it anymore." I am used to internalizing things because nobody cares. This is why I have blogs.

   This closure I mentioned above helped me finally break free from my grief and realize they were right. I was obsessing. Love and affection were my drug to take away the stress. I was so focused on love and affection that I stopped caring about myself. The worst part is I was being demanding that others would care about the one person I no longer cared for: me. This was very wrong, and I regret some recent behaviors. And one lost friend because I pushed for love too soon, even though I said I wouldn't. In all honesty I shouldn't. I was not in a healthy place, and my fears destroyed us.

   I stopped practicing my self-care, my in-the-moment grounding, my personal actions which I would do to provide myself with a happy living environment at home. All I wanted was constant love and affection. I was mentally ill and was not acknowledging it. My stress had become a sickness and love was my cure. This is not healthy behavior. I feel relief today, after being able to let go of my grief. Life is still hard but the last few relationships, and the words of my friends, have woken me up from my love-drug coated dreams.

   As it stands, I am in a casual courting with 2 friends, but I do not intend on those being deep partnerships, as I really need to not be entertaining that concept for awhile. I need to breathe and refocus on self. Flirting and playing, and even cuddles are ok. Letting such things take over my life is not. Anyone who knows me knows I love easily, and sometimes hard. It's the most amazing feeling. But I've begun to find the means to push aside the desire to immerse myself in it and just enjoy what I have right now. Heartbreak did that for me. I'm thankful for all the pain.

   In conclusion, I want to say to all my friends: check in on yourself sometimes. Make sure you are doing what's healthy and positive for you. Some things may seem to bring you happiness, but at what cost? Make sure you don't fall deep down the rabbit hole without a lifeline to pull you out.

   I want to give recognition to Enafae and Dee for helping me with clarity. Also to Robert and Chris for giving me understanding. Additionally to Robert and his tribe for keeping me from closing myself off in grief. And finally to Bear for giving me love, but not too much, and for checking to make sure I'm ok.

Blessed Be, friends.


Monday, June 22, 2020


My silence is deafening. I can't hear past the noise of my silent survival. My life is brief moments of color and conversation to break the emptiness in between. 

Work. Sleep.  Work.  Sleep. 

I don't even know what to do when I get free time. And no car. No visits. Emptiness.  Silence. Random noises i don't choose to listen to. 

I wear no mask when I'm at home,  and yet, sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating in my own solitude. 

Tuesday, April 7, 2020

My Legacy Is Love

   I have thought a lot about Corvid-19. I have considered how I would react if I became sick, and eventually died. I want to write a little bit about my thoughts relating to this scenario.

   First off, I want to say that I am not afraid of death. I'm not scared of the mysterious unknown of afterlife that will follow, be it heaven and hell, reincarnation, empty existence, or whatever the true afterlife holds. I am, however, afraid of suffering. I'm afraid of being alone as I pass away from the mortal realm. I'm afraid of leaving this plane and being forgotten, the legacy I built with my entire life blowing away in the wind as the ashes that will remain after my passing.

   My legacy that I choose to leave behind is love. Also, strength. But primarily, if I were to die tomorrow, I beg all of you to remember me and to reach out and love everyone you can. Love is one of the most powerful things you can bring to each other. It is so essential to life and survival.

   I'm not afraid of passing away. I'm afraid of not being here to bring love to so many lonely people. There are so many out there who are judged, and hated, and ignored simply because they don't fit the normal standards for attraction. The most amazing thing you can do is let go of everything you think you love about people, and just reach out to everyone.

   I have learned that I can love all kinds of people who I never thought I would be as close to as I have been. I have loved a homeless man. I have loved a badass self-acclaimed bitch. I have loved the young and the old, and many in between. I have loved neurotypical and highly unusual folk. I loved someone with a lycan spirit, someone who bonded with a demon, and a few Christians in my time. I've loved people from so many paths and walks of life.

   The lesson I want you to take from this, is love doesn't care if you are a dark or light soul. Love doesn't care what entities you bond with or worship. If you give it enough room, love can be anyone.

If I died tomorrow, my last wish is that all of you love as many people as you can. And don't ever stop. Love more people every day. Tell people about the things you love about them. Mention their nice hair, their awesome outfit, their captivating eyes. But... try not to tell someone they have a cute butt... unless you're very close. ^.^

The world needs more love. And I need all of you to give it.
Stay safe. Be careful. Give all the love.
Blessed Be.

Monday, February 24, 2020

Acceptance and Nonjudgment

   Something I still see people have an issue with is accepting others without a million judgments. People want to control how people dress, talk, act, and what they teach to others. This is unfair to the people being judged, as it takes away from their individuality and replaces it with self-doubt. And yet, these same people want the freedom of choosing their own actions, words, and education without being judged or controlled.

Hippocracy at it's finest. However, many people who do this, don't even realize the cause and effect that they create. They believe they're trying to defend others, or right the world, or tear away what they believe are untruths.

And sometimes they kick the hornet's nest.

I want to personally add a couple of thoughts on my introduction to disbelieve vs. acceptance. I have a hard time believing in possession. I don't really believe in the devil. I feel like more often than not, people associate demons with things they don't have anything to do with. I don't really feel like angels are a thing... maybe.

Now take that last paragraph and link it to the next one and think really hard on it.

I accept all people who work with demons, angels, possession, and more. I even accept people who believe they are "powerful wizards from a long line of wizards who can bring down mountains."
Yes, that's been a thing a few times. I've smiled and nodded and told these people I have no idea how to guide them. I did not turn them away. i accepted them and let them know I was not on their level. and then I let them be.

It is not my job to choose their path. It is not my job to tell them what to believe. 

So, therefore, I do not have to criticize people who believe in things I don't understand or have faith in. One of my friends deals with possessions. A few friends of mine, AT LEAST, deal with demons. And at least one is a necro. And I still love them. Because they are amazing, friendly, and wonderful people. I set aside their beliefs and I love them for who they are.

The world needs more of this.

What I am really trying to say, what I want people to openly take from this is, let people be who they are. They might still be amazing, even if you don't understand their path.

I love so many of you, and my heart doesn't ever stop growing to fill all the new people I keep meeting. So please find it within yourselves to allow others to grow without the little dark stickers of doubt and judgment you stick on them. We need to become the best versions of ourselves, which is made all the more difficult with pressure and negativity from out peers.

For those who read this post to the end, thank you and I hope you gained much insight from these words. I'm open to any and all conversations on the subject, as long as you stay away from toxic comments and negative criticism. That said, I'm open to positive criticism and opposing opinions for my own self-reflection.